As I have grown older (and bigger) I have come to a conclusion: Fat looks better dark! Therefore, as summer gets closer, I am getting antsy about wearing my shorts (let alone bathing suit!). With all the dangers associated with tanning beds, I decided to try a spray tan. If you have never had a spray tan, live vicariously through me and then decide!
Step One: Call to ahead to schedule appointment. Decide when to go based on the time the store is least busy (as if everyone wont know that the tan is fake).
Step Two: The “Tanning Technician” tells me to exfoliate and not use any lotions or make-up.
Step Three: Decide to bathe right before the appointment. Exfoliate.
Step Four: Get out of Tub.
Step Five: Realize you have major HAIR (down and around places that will get spray tanned) and get back in tub.
Step Six: Shave places you can’t see. Become impressed my ability to stretch and bend like a pretzel. Wonder if there is enough hair to donate to “Locks of Love.”
Step Seven: Wonder if what my two-year-old daughter just witnessed will scar her for life.
Step Eight: Go without lotion or make-up to the tanning salon (resist urge to itch immediate shaving burn and feel new “hairless backside.”
Step Nine: Act like I am not uncomfortable as I strip down to my thong undies. Feel good about the decision to shave (places down there).
Step Ten: Put on silly shower cap.
Step Eleven: Attempt not to make eye contact with “spray tan lady,” as the actual act of spraying someone else naked is awkward enough.
Step Twelve: Silently clap inside as she doesn’t not ask me to “bend over” to spray actual butt crack (the white crack tan line doesn’t bother me!).
Step Thirteen: Wonder if the “Tanning Technician” thinks stretch marks and veins on my backside is an actual map.
Step Fourteen: Pretend that you don’t notice has she has to go over your butt cheeks about 5 times (whereas every other area took once).
Step Fifteen: Pretend it isn’t awkward as you life up your legs to ensure no “bikini line” tan lines.
Step Sixteen: Let the stuff dry. Get board at the time it takes to dry and dance in the mirror with shower cap on after the tanning lady leaves the room.
Step Seventeen: Go out of the tanning room and pretend that tanning girl and I are probably married in some countries (considering the things she has seen!)
Step Eighteen: Replace all the tanning solutions back on the shelves that my two year old has taken down.
Step Nineteen: Remove “palm tree” tanning stickers from my daughter’s hair (and other body parts).
Step Twenty: Look in the mirror and think again, “Yes, even fat looks better tanned!”
Step Twenty-One: Looks fabulous with a spray tan without the risk of the sun!
Step Twenty-Two: Tell everyone what an experience I had and certainly encourage them to go through the same things I had to!
Post a Comment